We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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