There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
