I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
