All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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