I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
