a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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