and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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