Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
