so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
