I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
