I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just found a bag of teeth...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
