And the cops told us we were all naked.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
