I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
