dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
