i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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