the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
