The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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