and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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