My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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