cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
