Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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