I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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