did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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