If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
two words: eviction party
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
