the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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