I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
