Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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