the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
