Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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