My hand turned me down
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Randomize
