just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
