i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
