If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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