The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
