yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
