new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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