I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
