i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
