i wish semen tasted like chocolate
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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