What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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