I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
