I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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