Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
