so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
