sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
