It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
