Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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