i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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