I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she told me i tasted like america
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
