Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
