You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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